I trust you, folks. I'm an open book at times. I posted this elsewhere.
The other day I felt an urge I haven't felt in a long time. It was the urge to cut. I quickly suppressed it, addressed what was wrong, and looked at the tattoos that cover some of the old spots. I had the urge to get a tattoo instead, but I didn't. I recalled why I like tats and how they became a replacement almost for the act of self-mutilation. I ran my fingers over the ink and reminded myself of how far I've come. (1 tat says hope faith love).
I'm fine, by the way. I've been feeling more energy fatigue and grief lately. Some of it is the loss of my grandmother, the giving up of my cat Pippin, and the loss of famous strangers I looked up to. Some of is the normal day-to-day stress. I've been feeling fractured and having a hard time keeping the cracks together.
I'm writing this post because I AM okay. I did "get better". But the reality of mental illness is that whatever the demons are, PTSD, depression, schizophrenia, etc, they do not go away. They are merely suppressed or dealt with or handled. Every. Single. Day. Mental illness doesn't GO AWAY. I know we all know that.
I'm writing this because of the shit in my life, and despite the greatness in it, I still battle with my demons. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD, fibromyalgia, and chronic pain. I'm a sexual assault survivor, an orphan, a poor "white trash" kid, someone who had an abortion, who tried to commit suicide at least 2 times in my life. I have secrets only a few of you know. I'm also a bisexual cis White woman with LOTS of love and support, with 2 Bachelors degrees and nearing a completed Masters.
My point here is that I have demons too. I take meds for them, antidepressants and supplements. I exercise, meditate, color. I have good and bad days. Despite all my support and love I have moments where I feel alone, scared, angry, etc. Mental illness is a real thing. Its a COMMON thing. We all need to wake up and face this reality. Mental health IS health. I say this as a survivor and an RN.
Write to your political officials. Speak out. Shout. March of you want. Do something about it. We need to be taken seriously! And if you're struggling, if your illness allows you, reach out. I'm alive because I did reach out all those years ago (Dec. 2006 I think). If you're worried about someone, call/text/email/visit them. Support each other!
Love you ☆Ment
Love you ☆Ment
